9 Signs Your Marriage Will Last

 9 Signs Your Marriage Will Last

            1.  You dated for a while (but had your own place)

Emory University researchers studied 3,000 married couples in the U.S., they found that couples who dated for three years or more before getting engaged were 39% less likely to divorce than those who saw each other for a year or less.

研究顯示拍拖3年以上才結婚比只拍拖1年以內就結婚的，少39%會離婚。

Women who didn’t live with their partner before getting married had a 57% chance of celebrating their 20th anniversary, compared with 46% of women who cohabited. 

For men, the odds are similar: 60% of men who didn’t live with their partner clocked 20 years of marriage, compared with 49% who shacked up before the big day. 

研究亦顯示女士若結婚前沒有與她的伴侶同居，將會多11%機會慶祝結婚20週年；男士也有類似發現，若結婚前男士沒有與伴侶同居，將會多11%機會慶祝結婚20週年。

2. You keep mmm-hmmms to a minimum (將支吾以對減到最少)

Julie Gottman, a psychologist and renowned expert on marriage longevity, suggested that how you react can have a profound impact on how supported and known your partner feels. 

The study followed up couples taught to react to a bid for 6 years. Those who divorced had “turn-toward bids” just 33% of the time, while those still together hit 87%. 

研究顯示那些願意常常注意另一半細微需要並且願意回應(口頭或行動)對方，婚姻有更大的成功率。詳情我找到研究的心理學家所講解的Youtube片。多點留心另一半的需要，並用心回應啦

英文短片講解：https://youtu.be/ib7Ain2aVR0

3. You amplify your partner's positive

In the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, psychological researcher Shelly Gable categorized couples' response styles along 2 dimensions: either passive or active (quiet or enthusiastic) and either constructive or destructive (supportive or demeaning). The study showed that the only difference between those couples who broke up or stayed together was an active-constructive response style.

研究顯示主動及建設性地回應是夫婦維繫的重要元素。面對困難及傷心，給予對方安慰及明白一般都較有意識。但當對方有開心事，另一半是否也會主動及建設性地建立對方，如另一半升職，你會否為對方的好消息表達同樣的興奮，建議一起慶祝的方法，列出對方應得到的原因以此肯定對方.......。讓開心的時間更開心，因研究說明大部份人都將這些moments深刻的記在心上。

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzVw-tB7xGQ  

4. You talk. Like, really talk

Unmarried couples, on average, chat for 50min. during an hour-long meal, according to a U.K. survey. But couples married for a decade talk for less than half the time. And those with young kids tend to talk to each other for just 10 min. out of 60. Not only the quantity is the issue, but many couples talk because of household issues. Sharing a funny anecdote or an interesting article with your spouse gets crowded out by the logistics of child care or lawn care or an aging parent. Longlasting couples carve out times for conversations that mirror the early stages of a relationship: asking questions, sharing aspirations, and talking about anything but logistics. 

拍拖情侶通常會在60分鐘內50分鐘傾談，結婚10年以上的夫婦60分鐘內傾談不到30分鐘，有孩子的夫婦更不到10分鐘。不單是時間的問題，內容也是重點，結婚後的內容大多圍繞家庭事務多於有趣事。

維繫良好的夫婦通常都會尋找時間並像拍拖時一樣的傾談：問問題、分享願望、乜都傾除了家庭事務外。

5. You fight fair

No.1 predictor of divorce is Comtempt. says Gottman. "When you have contempt, you're fighting from a position of superiority, sneering in disgust."

Worse fighting is usually caused by the "fight or flight mode". Taking a 30min break to self-soothe, with reading or taking a walk or yoga, the conversation is much more successful. 

吵架致命的元素是鄙視，要吵架必須讓雙方在對等的位置上。但鄙視便將對方放在下方。逃避沒建設的吵架，最好不要在fight or flight mode 逃走或攻擊的模式下進行吵架。

6. You've got demographics on your side

Studies showed that 78% of women with a B.A. under their belt who married for the first time could expect their marriage to last 20 years, according to researchers at the National Centre for Health Statistics. For women without a degree, that figure slumps to 40%. For men, the impact of education on marriage isn't quite as pronounced, but it's still present: 65% of graduates could expect to hit two decades of marriage, compared with 50% for those with a high school diploma or less. 

Age is another factor that increases your odds for marital success, but the relationship is not as linear as many think: while couples who tie the knot in their teens are significantly more likely to divorce than those rises once people hit their mid-30s, according to an analysis by the Institute for Family studies. In fact, the odds of divorce for a first-time marriage increase by 5% per year, starting at the age of 32. 

研究顯示學歷及年齡跟婚姻長短有關。78%有大學學位的女士的第一次婚姻能預期達20年之久，但沒有大學學歷的女士，便只得40%能夠維繫20年的婚姻。雖然男士方面的數字不像女士般那麼大差別，但仍某程度顯示相同方向的結果。65%有大學學位的男士較有機會維繫20年婚姻，而只有50%有中學學歷的男士能達到20年婚齡。

(筆者按: 這是美國的統計，未必能反映其他地方。)

另外，結婚年齡亦是一個婚姻長度的元素。離婚率在20歲以下結婚比20以上的為高，20-32歲結婚的，離婚率是按年齡增加而減少；但到了32歲以後才結婚的，離婚機率是按年增加5%。

7. You both carve out "me time"

Couples who are constantly together often give up hobbies or interests that only one half loves (antiquing, anyone?). But that's not the only reason nonstop togetherness might lead to marital trouble. "When people have their own friends and hobbies, they're able to define themselves beyond their relationship, and that makes them happier," says Orbuch. It also means that when you two come back together, you have more to talk about and share. "It makes them less bored," she says. 

沒有me time，常常待在一起的夫婦，意即放棄了不少自己的興趣。相反，人愈多朋友和興趣，更能除夫婦關係外肯定自己的價值，令他們自己開心。同時，意即他們再一起的時候會帶著開心的自己有更多話題可以互相分享。

8. You cultivate a culture of mutual appreciation

"Our research shows that a rich climate of appreciation is a big predictor of a long-lasting, healthy relationship," Gottman says. Sharing frequent appreciation - for making the coffee this morning, for calling to check in, for reorganizing the garage doesn't only make your partner feel recognized; it encourages other feel-good interactions. 

Men have an even greater need for affirmation than women, Orbuch's data suggest. Those who didn't feel affirmed by their wives were twice as likely to divorce as those who did. The same didn't hold for the other gender. 

欣賞是一個重要元素維持長久婚姻，當另一半為自己或家庭付出貢獻了，不妨多一點表達欣賞。欣賞不單能讓對方的付出獲得肯定，而且能鼓勵出一種良好感覺的互動氛圍。

研究指出男士比女士更需要從欣賞中獲得肯定（筆者按：無論男士表達出多不需要欣賞，女士的欣賞一定不會白費的）。研究指出男士若感覺不到被肯定欣賞，比感到被太太肯定的男士，離婚率高出２倍。